#1

I WISH I WAS CONFIDENT.

I WISH I COULD POSE LIKE YOU, UNABASHED AND GIGGLY AND AS IF THE CAMERA WASN’T THERE AT ALL. DO YOU KNOW WHAT I FEEL LIKE WHEN THE LENS FOCUS ON ME?

I FEEL LIKE I CAN’T BREATHE. MY SKIN CRAWLS, URGING ME TO MOVE AWAY FROM IT. TO GET IT OVER WITH. JUST SMILE AND GO. SMILE AWKWARDLY AND GO.

I WISH I COULD LIFT MY ARMS OR DANCE AROUND OR POSE AS IF IM LOOKING FAR, FAR AWAY.

BUT I CAN’T. IT FEELS LIKE I’M BEING TOO¬†MAARTE. IT FEEL LIKE THE WORLD IS WATCHING ME AND JUDGING ME.

I KNOW. I FUCKING KNOW THAT THIS IS MY OWN “EYE”. I’M THE ONLY ONE JUDGING MYSELF. NO ONE THINKS I LOOK WEIRD OR WHATEVER. I SHOULD STOP AND JUST FUCKING BE COMFORTABLE ALREADY. HOW FUCKING EASY THAT IS TO SAY.

I HONESTLY WISH THAT I WAS JUST YOU.

YOU’RE INFP, SAME AS ME BUT THAT’S WHERE THE RESEMBLANCE STOPS. YOU’RE SMART AND CONFIDENT AND FRIENDLY AND CLOSE WITH OTHER PEOPLE AND A GOOD DRESSER AND RICH AND GOOFY BUT CUTE AND EVERYTHING THAT’S ME BUT UPGRADED.

YOU EVEN KNOW HOW TO BELONG WITH ALPHAS, BETAS, OR GAMMAS.

WHAT A FUCKING ANOMALY I AM. LONELY. PATHETIC. POOR. SHY. BORING.

I’m tired.

#1